Perfectly Imperfect

It's late, I'm tired, and I've seen this way too many times today to not want to hit something with a tuba.

Guys. Warning for slash in your headers? Is fucking repugnant.

Let's take a look at some things that are typically warned for and see if you can't figure out why that is without my spelling it out for you.

• Rape/noncon/dubcon/sexual assault
• graphic violence
• character death
• child abuse
• emotional/mental abuse

Basically, these are all things that are generally acknowledged to be potentially triggering for readers. Can we all parse out why lumping a same sex relationship into the category of 'things that need to be warned for' with things like that might possibly be offensive as all get out?

If you want to say that your story contains slash, then have at it. Include it in your summary, in your notes, or in an actual 'Contains' line. But don't fucking warn for it like it's something offensive and triggering.

I want to stab something in the face with a fucking fork.

I'm so far outside my happy place that it isn't even a little funny. I don't want to talk about it, but if anyone wants to send anything happy--gifs, fic recs, dirty jokes, etc--my way, that would be appreciated.

Fuck.

Just.

Just.

FUCK.

I'll try to get back on the ball tomorrow.

Dear too many writers/television shows/movies/etc,

I have no problem accepting the fact that your undead/vampire/special snowflake of a character doesn't need to breathe. For whatever reason, they are already defying the laws of, oh, pretty much everything, so a little oxygen deprivation isn't going to make me blink. But saying that they can't breathe? That they're physically incapable of doing it?

Okay. No.

See, it'd be one thing if you did it where they're basically just existing as a mind inside of a body that no longer functions. But when your character runs around, fights, and freaking speaks? That's when I start rolling my eyes hard enough to sprain something. In case it's skipped your notice, the lungs are not in fact involuntary muscles. You can control how you use them, just like you control your arms and legs. So if the character can move enough to break into a secure building, beat up a bunch of security guards, and generally be the badass to beat all badasses, then they should be able to use their lungs. If, for whatever reason, their lungs are the one part of them that is paralyzed, then that character should probably brush up on their sign language. Because speaking? We do that by pushing air through our vocal chords.

I get it. It's all Very Dramatic to have your character going into an emo monologue about how horrible the world is and how useless they are because their friend is dying and they're incapable of giving them CPR. But the very fact that they're capable of doing said whining makes the entire thing bullshit. So stop it. Please.

Okay, I get title banners on fics. I don't like them all that much because most of the ones I saw when I was forming my opinion on them were huge and obnoxious*, but I get them. But has anyone else noticed the recent influx of people posting fics with random screencaps of the pairing in the header? Why do that? What's the point? Do you think I can't read well enough to figure out the pairing from the text? Do you think I don't know who the characters are?

I honestly don't know why this bugs the crap out of me, but it reallyreallyREALLY does.

*Slight edit for clarification.

Dear asshole,

In case you didn't notice, we're in a library. Now, I know that this is an amazing place and you want to let everyone know you're here-dayum, guys, look at all those books-but there are specific places in the library set aside for you to talk on your cellphone. The table right behind mine? Yeah, it's not one of them. I wouldn't mind so much if you were speaking quietly or even in a normal tone, but you're one of those people who clearly labors under the misapprehension that you need to yell to be heard. I don't even have Windows 7, so you can imagine I have absolutely no desire to listen to you explaining how to use it less than three feet away from me.

Dear librarian,

Seriously. This guy is about ten feet away from you. There's no way in hell you can't hear him. You yelled at me once for answering my phone in the stairwell as I was on my way out the building. How is he not getting ripped a new one?

Dear self,

-We really want to be a librarian? Is it too late to reconsider?

-Shut up. We want to be a music librarian. If things go as planned, there's a decent chance we'll end up never working in a booky library, but instead be buried in lovely, lonely archives doing researchy things and occasionally fetching things for musicologists and professors and maybe the occasional student. Eyes on the goal, honey. Eyes on the goal.

ETA: God damn it, library. How are you so fucking loud today? 

You know I love you guys. You know I want everything that's good for you. You know I want to fill your lives with puppies and rainbows, if that's what floats your boat, or guns and handcuffs, if that's what floats your boat. I generally consider myself to be a nice person who cares about people. If someone I care about asks me for a favor, 95% of the time my immediate reaction isn't 'What is it?' or 'It depends.' It's 'Of course. Tell me what you need.' I want to help. I want to make things nice for you.

Why can't we have nice things?
( Beware. My bitch pants are on and I don't plan on apologizing. )

My darlings, gather round. Your Aunt Coffeebuddha would like to have a little talk with you about summaries and reviews. Now, the thing to remember is that while I am willing to tolerate you being in my general space love you very, very much and only occasionally wish you would die in a fire want the very best for you, sometimes you do things that drive me batshit insane make me sadly shake my head. Let's start with summaries, shall we?

Now, this is mostly for the youngest of you kiddies. Please don't apologize for your summaries. Just don't do it, darlings. If it sucks, then we'll know it sucks by reading it. Apologizing won't make it better or make people want to read it any more. And if it doesn't suck and you apologize anyways? Well, then we're left either wondering if you're faking modesty or if you just have no confidence in your writing, both of which mean I'm going to be less inclined to click on your story.

As far as reviews go? Darlings, believe me when I say that positive, insulting reviews are not funny or cute or clever. They are insulting. Telling someone that they suck because you don't like the way they handled something is rude, even if you do spend the rest of the review complimenting them. Making actual demands for more, which implies you like what's there, while saying nothing about the story you're commenting on is rude. Telling someone you like their story, but your personal preference would have led you to do something differently* is rude. You can compliment someone and insult them at the same time. I know, it's mind blowing, but it's true.

Again, your Aunt Coffebuddha tolerates loves you, but she thinks you could do better is sick of seeing this shit. Now, who wants a cookie?

*Please note that I said personal preference. This doesn't apply to critiques-pointing out OOCness, plotholes, etc. Instead I mean when someone does something like complaining that they just like it better when one partner tops and that's not what you wrote.

Dear Sergeant,
We had you fixed. There is no reason for you to keep humping Annie. Please stop humping Annie. She doesn't look like she enjoys it.


Dear Hollywood,
Not everything needs to be in 3D. Seriously.


Dear Idiot,
You sent me a message complaining that I'm not updating a story often enough THE DAY AFTER I posted a new part. I don't even know what to say to that.


No love,
coffeebuddha

Dear daddy,

I appreciate you letting me live at home rent free while I go to college. That's super cool of you, especially since you don't have to. Still. I'm in my twenties. It's time to either stop yelling at me when I lock my bedroom door or stop barging in on me. And no, knocking is not effective when you open the door immediately after you knock. If you don't even give me enough time to say 'come in' or 'wait a minute', then why even bother? For the love of God, give me a chance to tell you to stay out or eventually we're going to be dealing with a very embarrassing situation that will be 100% your fault.

Love,

Your little girl

Dear Starbucks,

You're overpriced and your coffee isn't that delicious, but you were on my way and I needed caffeine like nobody's business this morning. (Despite my username, I very rarely drink coffee anymore since I've cut most of the caffeine out of my diet and don't see the point of decaf. Which is slightly off topic. Don't even know why I'm telling you this.) I know that you sell all sort of froofroo drinks, but that's not what I wanted. I didn't want something loaded with sugar and calories and artificial flavoring. All I wanted was a large, plain iced coffee. It should be very simple to make. Here, let me break it down for you.

Step one: Pour coffee.

Step two: Add ice.

Note: steps may be reversed if preferred.

How the hell do you mess that up? And in what world is it appropriate to treat me like I'm an idiot/crazy person because I ordered something simple and had the audacity to tell you that you got it wrong?

No love,

coffeebuddha