Fall Apart

[coffeebuddha]

Title: Fall Apart
Author: coffeebuddha
Rating: NC-17/FRAO (rated just to be on the safe side)
Characters/Pairings: Spencer Reid/Ethan
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me.
Summary: Not every relationship lasts forever. Not every romance ends in happily ever after.
Notes: Preseries breakup fic set during the period right before/during Spencer and Ethan's start at the FBI Academy. The ever awesome topetine is on vacation and sick, so I wrote this as a Feel Better fic for her.

Feedback is always appreciated.

 

***
 

They had been living together for a little over a year when Ethan noticed that, although his stomach still moved when he looked at Spencer, it was less like butterflies fluttering and more like a sickening clench.

It was early summer. Spencer was working as a TA for one of his old professors and Ethan had found a temporary job as a bartender at a jazz club to fill the time before they left for Quantico in a month. Their schedules were so different that the only time they ever really saw each other was for a quick breakfast or dinner, and then one of them would be out the door. It was during one of those breakfasts that Ethan had his realization.

Spencer was slapping together a quick BLT and, just like he had a hundred times before, asked Ethan, "Want one?"

And Ethan, just like he had a hundred times before, responded with, "I hate tomatoes."

Spencer smiled and made a little 'I knew that' noise in his throat and Ethan thought, Fucking bastard. Wipe that damn smirk off your face. He immediately sat back in his chair, startled by how violent and strong the unexpected thought had been. When Spencer kiss him goodbye, his lips tasting of bacon and tomato, Ethan fought back a grimace and the urge to wipe his mouth.

After that, he was almost relieved that they saw so little of each other.

*

About a week later, they both had the night off and had decided to veg on the couch with a pizza and rewatch the newest Star Wars movie. Ethan had been acting tense and distant lately, so when he didn't pull away when Spencer curled up against his side, something in his chest eased a little.

"You know, Hayden Christensen has really gotten a bum wrap for this movie. He's not as bad as everyone says he is," Ethan mused as the character mumbled about sand in an attempt to woo Padme. It was something Ethan said every time they watched the movie, but for some reason this time it made Spencer want to hit him. Instead he just made a noncommittal noise and shifted so that Ethan's hand fell off his thigh. Ethan didn't seem to notice and continued his practiced schpiel. "No, really. Think about the part he's playing. He's a hormonal teenager with limited exposure to girls. Of course he'd be acting awkward and a little creepy. It's really a wonder that-"

"Would you just shut up," Spencer snapped. Ethan stopped midsentence, the hand that had been stroking up and down Spencer's arm going still. He paused the movie and turned to look at the other man.

 

"Something wrong?" Ethan asked, quirking an eyebrow. Spencer's eyes narrowed with annoyance and he grabbed the remote to flick the movie back on.

"No. Everything's fine. I just don't want to hear the same speech again. Especially when it wasn't all that convincing or interesting the first ten times." Spencer crossed his arms over his chest and stared hard at the television screen. Ethan took the remote back and turned the TV off, plunging the room into near darkness.

"Is that all? Because if you have something to say, then maybe you should just go ahead and say it, Spencer." Ethan was frowning. It wasn't really visible because he was still adjusting to the sudden light change, but he could hear it in his voice. Spencer rolled his eyes and stood.

"I don't want to say anything! That was the point. I wanted you to stop talking. The last thing I want to hear right now is the sound of your voice," he said, his voice getting louder and louder and his hands making large, frustrated arches in front of him as he stormed out of the room.

"Oh yeah? You know what else? I think that Jar Jar Binks is funny," Ethan shouted as Spencer was slamming the bedroom door behind him. He paused, then turned and locked it. Just for that, Ethan could sleep on the couch.

*

They alternated between not talking, slamming doors, and spitting out short, angry comments for most of the next week before Ethan finally tried to make amends by inviting Spencer to come visit him at work.

To say it could have gone better would have been an understatement.

Spencer was already on edge from seeing his mom earlier that day-she'd slipped into one of the worst episodes he'd seen yet during their visit-and the hot, close press of people grated on his already tattered nerves. Ethan smiled and joked and did everything he could think of to get Spencer to loosen up and relax, but it didn't help. The smoke was too thick, the music too loud, the people too rude. Oh, and did Ethan really need to flirt with every single attractive guy or girl who came up to order a drink? Really? Really?

Ethan reminded himself that this wasn't Spencer, he was just having a bad day, but as the hours crept past and Spencer sat hunched on a bar stool with a mostly untouched glass of bourbon in his hand and an increasingly dark look on his face, Ethan started spending more time talking and flirting with the customers and less time even glancing over at Spencer.

By the time they made it back to the apartment, he could feel the hostility rolling off of Spencer in waves. They screamed, shouted, yelled. Ethan picked up one of Spencer's scifi first editions and threw it across the room, smashing a painstakingly accurate model of the Millennium Falcon. Spencer countered by picking up Ethan's 1952 Miles Davis record off the turntable and hurling it at his head. He missed Ethan, but managed to hit mirror behind him, cracking the glass down the center. They yelled louder, each insult and accusation getting more and more personal, more devastating. Ethan realized that his comment about Spencer turning out like his mom-"And who's going to have to fucking take care of you when you're drooling all over yourself like your nutcase of a mother? Because I sure as hell didn't sign up for that shit!"-was a step too far when Spencer punched him in the nose.

It was barely more than a glance, more shocking than painful, but it was all they needed to elevate the verbal fight into a physical one. Neither of them were exactly fighters-they were more likely to be beaten up than be the ones doing the beating-and it didn't take too long before their clumsy grappling and frustrated grunts turned into angry groping and heated moans.

Spencer ripped open Ethan's shirt, buttons flying everywhere, while Ethan shoved their pants down. They didn't make it to the bed or even the couch, instead tumbling down onto the cold hardwood floors.

They bit and tore at each other, their fury pushing their need into urgency. They didn't have lube and Ethan only spent a few minutes preparing Spencer. When he pushed into him, Spencer clutched at him, his breath coming out in a hiss of pain, but when Ethan tried to pause, give him time to adjust, he wrapped his legs around his lover and pulled him in deeper.

Spencer arched hard underneath him, his nails scraping painfully down his back. "I hate you so fucking much right now."

Ethan tightened his grip on Spencer's hips and thrust deeper, faster. "I know."

*

Ethan was already gone-out running errands, according to the note he left on the fridge-when Spencer woke the next morning, sore from the brutal sex and sleeping on the hard floors, but marginally more comfortable than he might have been because of the pillow and blanket that he knew he hadn't gotten for himself. That afternoon, they started packing and making arrangements to put most of their things into storage before their move to Quantico. Neither mentioned what had happened the night before.

 

*

They had manage to get assigned to each other as roommates in the dorms, and the night after their first full day of classes, Ethan sat at the foot of his bed and watched Spencer bounce around the small room, animatedly talking about everything that had happened as if Ethan hadn't been there too. Ethan listened, a small, inscrutable smile on his mouth, until Spencer was nearly tripping over himself and kept interrupting himself with huge, jaw cracking yawns. Finally, he reached out and gently took hold of Spencer's wrist.

"If you don't go to sleep, you're going to end up collapsing, Spencer," he said fondly. Spencer blinked owlishly, looking ridiculously young in his too large pajama bottoms, faded Star Trek t-shirt, and coke bottle glasses. He nodded and let Ethan slip his glasses off and tug him into bed with him. Ethan slid an arm around Spencer's waist, pulling him in close, and Spencer tucked his head under Ethan's chin, his fingers restlessly dancing up and down his side.

Ethan closed his eyes and tightened his grip around Spencer. "You know I love you, right?" Spencer hummed happily and sleepily nuzzled Ethan's throat.

The next morning, Ethan woke Spencer early, his hands stroking down his lover's body to tease and coax him until he was hard and panting Ethan's name. Ethan kissed him deeply, swallowing his cries as he shuddered and came underneath him. They stayed in bed a long time, longer than they should have, exchanging soft, lazy kisses until the alarm went off for the fifth time and Spencer finally rolled out from under him with a wide, happy smile. Ethan's heart clenched a little at the sight. It felt like a lifetime since Spencer had last smiled at him like that without any outside events triggering it. Spencer rushed through his morning routine, sprinting down the hall for a shower that lasted about as long as it took Ethan to work up the energy to swing his legs over the side of the bed. While he dressed, he nagged at Ethan, who assured him that he'd be fine, he'd skip breakfast, he wouldn't be late. Spencer looked a little doubtful, but eventually just nodded, pecked him quickly on the lips, and ran out the door to track down some coffee.

Ethan sat in bed, just looking around the room, for several minutes before wearily standing. He stole some of the stationary Spencer used for his letters to his mother and scribbled down a note, which he left propped up against the pillow on Spencer's bed. Slowly, methodically, he packed his things. He picked up the t-shirt Spencer had been wearing the night before, lifted it to his face, and inhaled deeply. Before he could question what he was doing, he stuffed it in his bag. His eyes flickered around the room one more time.

Then, he walked to the administrative office, signed all the appropriate paperwork, called his mom to let her know that he'd be sending her an e-mail of what he'd need her to get out of storage and ship to him, and bought a one way plane ticket to New Orleans.

*

Ethan had been acting strange the night before, even stranger that morning, and had missed all their morning classes, so when the lunch break started, Spencer ran back to their dorm room to check on him. Even with the room emptied of all of Ethan's things, he still had to read the note four times before he started to understand what it was saying. He sank down on his bed, the bed he had shared with Ethan just hours earlier, and stared blankly at the paper. He wanted to rip it up, crumple it in a ball, light it on fire, throw it away. Instead, he opened the-half empty-top dresser drawer and slid it under his socks and underwear. He checked his watch, starting a little when he realized just how much time had passed. Even though he had it memorized, he glanced at his class schedule again. Next up was Beginner's Judo with Agent Morgan.

Then, still numb, but dried eyed and determined, he left the room, ready to finish the day.

*

Spencer,

We both deserve to be as happy as you were last night. I really thought I could do this, but I can't. I'm sorry. 

Ethan

*

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. ~ Marilyn Monroe

***

Can't decide on how I feel about the characterization on this one. Ethan is obviously up for grabs since he had maybe five minutes of screen time, but Spencer's one of those incredibly complex characters that always makes me second guess myself. He came out maybe a little bitchier than I'd planned, but I think I'm going to blame that on the high stress of moving, starting a new career, leaving his mom behind, and suddenly realizing that he isn't happy in his long term relationship. Or something like that. =/

Fact checking time! In episode 4x09, Masterpiece, which aired in November 2009, Spencer said that he'd just turned 27 the month before. In 4x07, Memoriam, there's an article on Garcia's computer screen that says Spencer was 22 when he joined the BAU, which means he joined sometime between the Octobers of 2004 and 2005. I'm going to take some artistic license and set this fic in the summer of 2004 when Spencer was 21. FBI training lasts 20 weeks, so that should give him enough time to finish at the academy and join up with the team. Which means my use of the new Star Wars movies works, and that was pretty much my entire reason for checking the dates...

Also, for those who like random trivia, the record that Spencer threw was Miles Davis' Young Man with a Horn. An original 1952 in good condition is valued at about $100 in the last 'official' book that I looked at, but I've seen where they've been sold for over $500.